Ode To Myself (PART-I)

 "Mine eyes are made the fools o'th' other senses,

Or else worth all the rest."

(Either my eyes are deceived or else they are worth all my other senses put together.)

                    -Macbeth,William Shakespeare 


>>Today.

September 15..Officially I'm 22 now..So happy to witness the love and blessings showering upon me.Firstly,May Almighty bestow all happiness to my parents.Without them I wouldn't be even here, may be even not alive!!! Standing on this verge of life, I see all my past assailing towards me.So far till date nothing was easy.From top to toe, I had to always fight with my fate.My words were stuck between being written and staying unsaid.Yet I never exposed only disguised those in letters..So please come,let's have a ride on the roller coaster of my life stories…》》

Memoirs:

Teen life was the best of my entire lifeline,as it has more clear and crisp memories than childhood.Every dream aimed the Icarus.But when I hit 18 or 19,I slowly begin to realize that the world has much more worse versions of its own..The free trial happiness subscription ends when you age!! Now you will know that you have to make space for happiness on your own.. You start depending on everything around..At times,college,friends,relations,flings,hook ups- you will be ready to rely on anything whether materialistic or emotional that gives u a bit of a smile..But eventually they too get disintegrated. Next phase, you will be standing in the middle of the darkness waiting for a light at the end of the tunnel..You start to put many different pieces to fit in the jigsaw of light..You start to depend extremely on people around,things around.You begin to be afraid of standing alone or staying single.So you find ways (well at times cringe!!!) to avoid the scenario..You will be truly a craven in the proceeding..Still you can't stand there for a whole time..You have to find a way out of the dark.In the process,you starts digging yourself deeper..Yes finally u will get the answer..That light u searched for this whole time was none other than YOU..surely that will be a resurrection.!!!

And yes the story I'm about to tell is how I survived till date and still carry on with it..Survival and Living are entirely two different concepts..!! But at times my survival became a way of my living.As you know,I was always in a war with the feminine urge to hide pain and conceal my thoughts..Yet my letters gave birth to a thousand birdsongs carved in the heart of simple human beings.Anyhow let's trace back to the beginning.So then 'what's so special about being 22 ??' .Well, you have to dive deeper for the skeleton in the closet.

                            From the year 2016  to 2021 every birthday was like dealing with an abyss even though I was already in hell!!I seriously hate birthdays because it reminded me of all the curses I had to suffer just because I was born.Obviously I have always been a coward..I was afraid to face my realities so I started to run closing eyes..I tripped on the ways and I started crying like a baby abandoned.Yet amidst the wilting and fall,those birthdays were like a string of spring awarded for eternal numbness - Because everything was in ruin(at least I believed so)!!! The dreaded mind always stayed leaning over the murky nightfall.The dawn and the damned destiny never pacified me.Days got colder…In the course of time I wished I was dead..Because I was assured that was the only way to peace and salvation.My disease was spinning around my neck,gradually losing all my health..As a teen I always believed that one day I won't be obliged to rush into the pile of my medicine packs or to my oxygen cylinders.I knew that a day will come where I can extirpate the clinical appearance of my room which is always airing a melancholy of interment.At the same time I surmised that someday I will be brave enough to face the mirror and won't be deploring myself anymore fearing body shaming of the world..And I will walk through the corridors of my favourite place coddling all the sweet moments I had in my life…In autumn, I will be ushered to the river side where Red maple trees shed their leaves embellishing the happiness of my soul…

But those "days" that I longed for became an augmented mirage; a pointless byproduct of my perverted optimism..Still at a point the diseases subsided and I regained health.But a greater havoc was waiting in the way…



I lost a lot more for which I was ready to die a thousand times over!! I lost it..Besides a few, everyone and everything turned against me!! I was all alone..My nights started to get haunted by frequent panic attacks..And even with the effect of the sedative drugs I still got up in late nights out of horror and cried myself to sleep thinking what was wrong with me and what I had done to suffer all these..My days were stagnant..I spent most of the time in bed..The closed curtains blinded me..I sat uneasily with my impudent heart..Cobwebs started to spread through the darkness of my room..So does in my mind??And what..The worst came at the worst..Well I would like to skip it, not because I'm ashamed but because some of you may not be able to accept the truth still! After certain scenarios,Slowly I moved on.Even with the usual boring time cycle the only thing I kept on doing was writing…writing and writing till my heart bled into the papers..I don't know whether it was a God's hand or the after effect of heavy meds, gradually I started to forget things.You may see it as a comedy, but seriously after hitting with a few hysteria I lost my memory in a lot of things ; From a best friend's birthday date to my whipped nightmares everything became so faded like a memory long forgotten.It was all messy..the hair,the bed,the words,the heart,the life..!How sad it was when I had to remember the things that I thought I would never forget??At first I was puffed..I couldn't remember the slightest details of things that meant a lot to me.But at the same time I forgot the fact that actually I can't remember anything i.e. not only the good memories but  the bad and worse too was erased...I was grateful for a million things,despite all the hate and hatred I have to gulp,because there were still a few human beings who really stood for me..The people whose altars were always opened!!The ones who were destined to taste the bitterness of my failures rather than my successes.The ones who filled my eyes with their tears saying 'Don't give up!'.Even Though surrounded by all those angelic souls I was still in damned..An excruciating emptiness was spreading from my heart..even with the sedative sleeps,the wake up versions or the reality horrified me.Everyone wakes up after having a nightmare..I was waking into the nightmare… I shrank into myself..Adding another bloody feather to my cap,my kith and kin started backlashing!!!

Finally choking back, I obliged myself with an oath that no more hosanna will be falling from my mouth for anyone.I won't run towards anyone's citadel begging for love.I stepped out of everyone and everything.I transformed myself into a circle;the real zero!! I started to draw history from the empty spaces..Because by then I knew, I believed this too shall pass.I lulled to myself thay All these are just a scenario at a particular angle.One day this angle will change, nightingales will sing again and that wild pixie girl will start to smile again.


Well the rest of the story is dedicated to the girl who fought against all the odds.. 

     

(To be continued..✍)


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