Ode To Myself (PART-II)

 PART 2

Dear me,

I know it was hard and still is..Growing up as a little girl you always wanted to be an independent woman who will be free from any type of shackles around her.But you got tangled with toxic family relations and lost your way in the middle of it.Eventually you became the very thing you swore to destroy; truly the hunter of the game..And the result?? You started hating yourself for all the things that could have done or evaded.You condemn yourself for the misfortunes and sufferings u had to bear..Inch by inch, you started destructing self.Even though the payoff was hard,somewhere in between you retraced the track and somehow the wound was bygone.Yet the reality hit you so hard by saying നഷ്ടപ്പെടുവാൻ ഒന്നും സ്വന്തമായിരുന്നില്ല എന്ന തിരിച്ചറിവിലാണ് ഓരോ ബുദ്ധനും ജനിക്കുന്നത്. 💚

Note: 

I know I was surely in a dilemma.And the least,I don't even knew what made me happy anymore.My therapist asked me to do things and all I could do was putting a question mark at the end of my writings.My people boosted me by saying, 'I love the way who you are!!'.But was that right?? Did I even love myself for what I was? The answer is NO. They loved me..But I was standing there all naked and estranged, even without realizing my true self.Head was piercing with pain.All I knew was "Die…Die..Die.."..For me I was nothing more than a trash full of stinking wastes.

People say, 'Time changes priority.' I say, 'Priorities change the time once we used to live.' Life happens…In between all the chaos around,life never stops for anyone.And what I learned was People never want the truth from you..They always want a constant reassurance of what they believe is the truth.They always try to bribe a free bird with measly cages!! But the only thing I assure myself at this point is that I respected everyone before they chose the path of my disrespect..They will push you harder to the end and the moment you start to respond they will play the victim game!!!But I stood up and at last their little wicked game was over.My life may not be the result of my rules but at least there came a time where I really took the option of self care than all the cooked up dramas.I was ready to die alone than live a thousand years tolerating people of birdbrains..Yes, you will have to suffer a lot..When you’ve had to fight tooth and nail for everything you have,it’s difficult to react in any other way when someone keeps on taking away what you deserve.Your own blood relations will turn against you when you are in the path of breaking all their generational curses..Everytime you speak for yourself,you stand for yourself, you will be thrashed down

But get up honey!!Break those barriers within you..Because Everything comes with a price..

"Stand therefore,having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace"

-Ephesians 6:14

And what my word of say to you is Never put up with people's shit..Call them everytime they do it and ask them to clean themselves and if they ain't ready u just get up and walk away..Keep your oxygen clean!!!

Reminiscences:

"Through the beam of the lantern in an evening's silent street stood  a clueless girl gazing up at the darkened starry night,imagining warriors on stallions and witches on broomsticks as she twirled with her boots in the mud and broke down,the chains of crumbling world within the grasp of her small arms.."

      -Librettos Of Lily

And yes…Finally I dared to ask questions for myself..To be precise nothing kept me more sane than my insanity itself..I started thinking Why am I wearing all this pain around my neck??Why can't I get out of this bloody shit hole?? The darkest nights kept on roaring..But what twirled in my head was Butcher's dialogue 'WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE THAT YOU AIN'T ALREADY LOST???' Just because you fall on your a** doesn't mean you have to stay there..

Ok,you can paint me as a villain..I have no offending in that!!Maybe it was selfish..Always and only for me..For the hate inside that I want to let loose on the world.But dear,only through the grey you will know the  white.Yeah as u all know,this ain't a motivational speech or stand up comedy..It is a reminiscence for me,for all the obstacles I survived and yet to survive..Still they keep on asking me ,'How can you appreciate this loneliness??' 'How can you bear this pain?'.But what I think is it's not about loneliness and pain..People don't know how to appreciate their solitude..They mistake that as loneliness and estrangement..Because we all are obsessed with the persons and things we love that we seldom care about ourselves..I ain't proving that I don't have any pain..I'm saying, these all are worthy for me now..I'm adapted moreover accommodated with this.I no longer care about the pain I'm gulping because it makes me what I'm!! So how can I neglect the very essence of my existence???Without this pain and longing, I'm nothing!!!!

The mayhem is still pondering..But look at us,just look!!After all those things we faced we are still here..We are still here crossing hurdles even when giving up was our easiest thing to do..Yes,today we may not be ok,tomorrow may not be ok,but surely there will be a dawn and dusk where you will start to deal with your demons rather than running away from it..!!

That's it…In the end that's what matters..Courage,perseverance,and will power doesn't mean you can't fail or cry..it means despite all that you move on!!That's what it is all about...Go,go for that..You may fail..Ok let it be!! face it..laugh,cry,weep,enjoy,exclaim..This is life,not a refrigerator user manual.

P.S. There might come a day where these words no longer serve me or help me!!But the significance of these lines should not be confined in the mere walls of inspiration or motivation..Think bigger than that..I know This is nothing more than a flicker..It's just a capsule worthy enough to face another battle!!!

Because in the end I truly believe WORDS CAN CHANGE THE WORLD EVEN IF THE WORDER CAN'T!!!!!

                                        [  THE END ]

(LINE COURTESY TO BE MENTIONED)

~✍SalmaAneesaBabu🦋